To Pedro Jose Maria Simon Castellvi, the president of the International Federation of Catholic Medical Associations.

Dear Pedro.

I want to thank you for opening my eyes to the evil that is contraceptive Pill. Absolutely horrendous to think that the Pill releases “tonnes of hormones into nature” via female urine and that this is “a non-negligible cause of male infertility in the West”. You have evidence, of course.

Which you haven’t shown us.

But who needs evidence, eh Pedro? Your word is just fine, of course, just fine. There’s a little thing that’s bothering me though. How exactly are we becoming infertile, Pedro?

Are there a significant number of men who indulge in urine beverages — piss weak beers don’t count — on even an occasional basis? Is there some sort of toxic hormonal cloud that emanates from female urine that dissipates in the atmosphere? Why is it that these hormones only become nasty in the atmosphere? Don’t they affect us when we, well, dip our wee wees, if you get my drift. And why is this a problem only in the West? Is the Eastern contraceptive Pill a man friendly beast?

I await your answers with bated breath. In the meantime I would suggest that you refrain from raiding your medicine cabinets.

Now excuse me while I go pee. It’s okay, Pedro, I’m a male.