February 23

The Musical Octopus

Faced with a severe case of writer’s block (some may say that condition has been manifest since this blog began) I scoured the Internet and came up with this joke:

A man walks into a bar with an octopus, sets the creature on a stool and challenges the patrons: “I bet 50 bucks that my pet octopus can play any musical instrument you give him.”

One man lays 50 dollars on the bar and hands the octopus a guitar. The octopus cradles the guitar, tunes it and proceeds to play in manner that Hendrix could only dream of. The crowd is speechless.

Another man points to a piano and says “I bet he can’t play that.” The octopus slides off his stool, sidles up to the piano and plays a classical piece that has the crowd gasping in awe.

The bartender shakes his head in amazement and leaves the bar. A few minutes later he reappears with a set of bagpipes which he hands over to the octopus saying “give this a go.” The octopus takes the bagpipes and looks at it for awhile, turning it around and around to view it from all angles. After a few minutes of this his owner gets impatient.

“What are you waiting for? Start playing it?”

The octopus looks at the man with wide eyes.

“Play it? I was trying to figure out how to get her pyjamas off!”

Category: Jokes | 2 Comments on The Musical Octopus
February 21

The Aztecs Had Their Own Blue?

Our carport is home to the golden behemoth no more. The Librarian, Master Builder and I took it to its new home bright and early this morning. The Librarian and Master Builder didn’t even look back but I must admit to taking a final look at the vehicle. It looked back sadly, another fleck of paint peeling off its bonnet, before I turned and walked away.

Less than an hour later we were the proud owners of a brand new, shiny, Aztec blue Corolla. Aztec blue? Look, I’m just an average guy. To me colours come in blues, reds, greens, etc. Shades are simply dark or light. I had no idea that the Aztecs had their own shade of blue. It turns out that Aztec blue, or Toyota’s interpretation of it, is one cool colour. At some angles the blue turns green. The car is a chameleon, people.

And that new car smell! Why hasn’t someone bottled it and marketed it as an air freshener? It would be a brilliant alternative to pine, lemon and “musky rainforest on a warm summer’s day”. “Scent of new car” would sell like hotcakes.

The Librarian and I love our new box on wheels but Master Builder takes it to giddy heights. He has taken to sitting in the back seat at various times during the day. He wants to know when we are going for the next drive. We should rack up thousands of kilometres before the week’s out if he has his way.

Now excuse me while I organize another sacrifice to the Aztec blue wonder (the first sacrifice was my bank balance).

PS Those of you looking for a new car in Perth (Western Australia, not Scotland) would do well to pay Galleria Toyota in Morley a visit. Tell them Flying Saucer Jones sent you. It will fetch blank looks but tell them anyway.

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February 14

You Mean I Shouldn't Have Spent It All?

The world ended at 8:31 (23:31 UTC) this morning. I for one am not fooled by the streaming sunlight, the sound of lawnmowers and the Jehovah’s Witnesses walking down my street. It’s just a delayed reaction, that’s all. Or this is an exact replica of the world. Yeah! That’s it!

Those past due notices don’t look like replicas though – they are kidding about breaking my legs, aren’t they?

Sigh! So when is the next end of the world then? Ah, here it is. The 21st of June. Still have to pay the bills for a couple of months but then we can flick the bird at them all. Bwahahahaha.

Category: Armageddon | LEAVE A COMMENT
February 12

Happy Birthday, Sir Charles

If Charles Darwin were still alive he would be celebrating his two hundredth birthday today. Celebrate with him by catching up with his story and reading On the Origin of Species and other works. These manuscripts should be perused by supporters and detractors alike, especially those who believe that the banana is proof of intelligent design (I’m looking at you Mr Cameron – obviously had some serious growing pains.)

Here, in Australia, the capital city of the Northern Territory is named after Darwin. The city boasts a park, Civic Park, that is dedicated to Darwin and students can study at Charles Darwin University. It is only fitting, then, that the city should celebrate the double century in style. The celebrations apparently includes a re-enactment of the voyages of the Beagle which sailed into Darwin harbour in 1839. Also on the schedule is the unveiling of a life-sized statue of the great man and Civic Park will host several replicas of the Beagle‘s bronze bells.

As for us mere mortals in Flying Saucer Jones’ abode we will eat some cake in Darwin’s honour. Happy birthday, Sir Charles. You don’t look to be two hundred.

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February 8

Fire and Flood

Every Summer, Australia faces hot and dry weather conditions and bushfires become a reality. Most of the time these fires are brought under control due to the heroic efforts of firefighters. Occasionally, however, conditions conspire to cause a disaster. This is what happened on the 7th of this month as firestorms raced through several country towns north of Melbourne. They left behind wastelands.

I can’t begin to magine how those affected are feeling right now. They have lost their belongings, their homes, their lives. At last count sixty people had perished, burned or boiled alive. Some had attempted to drive away. The burned out shells of their vehicles are testimony to the swiftness of the fires. None of us can imagine the terror and suffering of those that perished. None of us can imagine the despair and desolation of those that survived.

The Victorian fires have dominated the news yet, further north, Queensland is suffering devastating floods. Let’s remember them too as they strive to get their lives back on track.

All our thoughts are with you, Victoria and Queensland.

Category: Disasters, Weather | LEAVE A COMMENT
February 8

A Huge Surprise

I received some wonderful presents on my birthday but none of those can compare to the present that the Librarian and I received today. It all happened after the family lunch at Mum’s.

Little JP had turned five on Friday but we waited until we saw him today to give him his present. We were reasonably sure he didn’t have any Lego toys so we gave him a couple of their castle sets. Youngest Bro and his wife had also given JP a Lego set so the little guy was swimming in the studded, plastic pieces. His sisters, being older and naturally bossy over their little brother, asked the Master Builder to help put the sets together. I waited for Master Builder’s usual look of annoyance but it didn’t come. My jaw hit the floor. Then the Master Builder sat down with JP and the girls to help with Lego building. I almost fell over. In short order he was regaling them with his expertise. I had to sit dwn for awhile. Then the Librarian and I grabbed our cameras to record this, possibly, once in a lifetime event.

The surprises didn’t stop there. The Librarian took the kids to the park across the road and Master Builder joined them. She later told us that the Master Builder actually joined the other kids in play and (gasp) continued talking to them. I was flabbergasted. Happily flabbergasted.

Is it possible that he is willing to make some friends? It’s hard to tell with Asperger’s but we can hope. In the meantime we have photographs of this unique event.

Category: Health, Lego | LEAVE A COMMENT
February 7

Looking For My Euterpe

A couple of days ago the Librarian and I bought a copy of Guitar Hero World Tour for Game Guru’s X-Box 360. The Game Guru took to the game like the proverbial duck taking it’s daily paddle. The Master Builder found it too difficult and decided to use his own percussion kit instead while the Librarian adjusted quite nicely after some trial and error. As for me I have to admit that musical ability looked at me, sniggered, and hurried away.

I first tried the microphone figuring that at least I had a fighting chance in the vocal department. Optimism, my friends, doesn’t always net you the prize. There was no chance, fighting or otherwise, of anything melodic leaving my lips. So how bad is my singing? Let’s just say that my cat was giving me loving looks. If I had sung to the car salesman, yesterday, he would have buckled at the knees and begged me to take the vehicle just as long as I stopped singing. The X-Box 360 was on the verge of shutting down. That bad!

The Librarian took over the singing duties and did quite well. I moved on to the drums and did reasonably well on the easiest level. By reasonably well I mean I thumped here, banged there and got some semblance of the required rhythm. Sort of. As for the guitar the less said the better. So it looks like I will take the drumming duties in the family band.

Now if you excuse me I have an adoring public waiting to see me play. So what if they are just a bunch of pixels.

Category: Games, Music | LEAVE A COMMENT
February 6

The Tenth Circle of Hell (or Dante and Virgil Buy a Car)

“No pressure,” said the car salesman, his teeth gleaming in the sun. “I don’t like putting pressure on people.”

The dictionary salesman use is obviously quite different from the one the rest of us suckers people read. There was sweating and gnashing of teeth and he was going to fight to get us the deal we wanted. Of course he was, wink, wink. So off he went to see the manager.

Ah but the manager. (Sigh) The manager just wouldn’t budge. (Sigh) The salesman was crestfallen. His sadness looked suspiciously like a surpressed snigger. Ah, but wait! He was sure that he could get a smaller discount. So off he went again in pursuit of his manager.

He returned shaking his head. Oh, how he had tried. But the manager (gnashing of teeth), the manager was not going to move on this.

To be fair, it was a good enough deal for us. We just don’t have the haggling gene and traipsing around car yards to dance with the various salesdevilsmen is a a truly bleak prospect. So we accepted the deal.

Now it’s on to the eleventh circle of hell. We have to discuss a car loan with the bank.

Category: Shops | LEAVE A COMMENT
February 6

Broken Record Plays Australian Cricket Song

Gobsmacked! I am truly gobsmacked! Somehow our national cricket team manages to pull off ever deepening nadirs this summer. How, please tell me, how can a team that has seven wickets up their sleeve not go for big hits in the last seven overs? Every batsman plays as if they are afraid of losing their spot. New Zealand cantered to the total.

Australia now need to win the final three games to take the series. I wouldn’t bet on it. In fact, given the current economic climate, it might be prudent to bet on New Zealand winning all five instead.

Gobsmacked. Enough said.

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February 2

Shades Of An Underarm Ball

On the first of February, 1981, a one day match between Australia and New Zealand went down to the wire. New Zealand needed a six off the last ball to tie the match. Australia’s captain, Greg Chappell, instructed his brother, Trevor, to bowl the ball underarm which prevented the six and created a furore that refuses to die down. Twenty eight years later, to the day, relations between the two nation are strained once again.

Yesterday’s one day international between Australia and New Zealand also went down to the wire. This time, though, the incident in question happened a few overs before the end when New Zealand’s Neil Broom was bowled. Except he wasn’t. Replays show that Australia’s keeper, Brad Haddin, knocked the bails off with his gloves. Haddin claims that he is positive the ball hit the stumps first. The replays show otherwise. So did Haddin make an honest mistake or did he cheat?

Oh, by the way, Haddin’s “heroics” didn’t help. We lost. Again!

Category: Cricket, Sports | LEAVE A COMMENT