March 27

Only Cricket Fogies Will Understand

It happened last year during one of those spring cleaning marathons that plague a man now and again. In the process of moving years of accumulated junk from one corner to another, I found it. Buried beneath a plastic Christmas tree, numerous toys and boxes full of assorted knick knacks was my old cricket bag. Moments later I was on the phone organizing a a session at the local cricket nets. A few moments after that I was racing off to the nearest sporting goods store to replace the items in my kit bag which now resembled the swamp thing – there was enough mould in that bag to guarantee the world wouldn’t run out of penicillin for several years.

So we met at the nets and, as a former opening batsmen, I had the honour of batting first. Waves of nostalgia swept over me as I padded up, strode to the crease and took guard. The bowler, much younger than most of us old timers, raced in and unleashed a thunderbolt. It was full and just inside off stump so I moved onto the front foot and played a majestic off drive.

Then I straightened up, threw the ball back to the bowler and put the middle stump back into the ground.

I obviously wasn’t the batsmen I used to be twenty five years ago.

I had to ease myself back into form. The rest of my batting stint was a master class in the defensive shot. The backward defensive shot, to be precise, because somewhere in the intervening twenty five years the cricket ball had morphed into a deadly weapon. Going forward really wasn’t an option and yet, by the end of my batting stint I felt I could outperform Geoffrey Boycott and Bill Lawry and Chris Tavare. (I think I just went too far. It takes a very special talent to out block Tavare.)

So much for my attempt to rekindle my batting prowess. Surely things would be better with the ball. I picked one out of the motley collection and paced my run-up – sixteen steps. Just like twenty five years ago. Contrary to popular opinion, I am not a complete fool so I knew I should warm up a little. With that in mind I merely jogged the sixteen steps and delivered my first ball. It sailed back over my head.

Young whippersnapper was pretty handy with the bat.

“Good…shot,” I said just a little out of breath. It was a sixteen step jog, after all.

I ran in for my next ball and bowled just that little bit faster. It sailed back over my head just that little bit higher.

“Very (gasp) good (pant, wheeze) shot (pant, pant).”

The young whippersnapper was starting to grate on my nerves. Flying Saucer Jones used to be a pretty handy bowler in the glory days. It was time to show him. I walked back to the top of my mark and summoned up all the energy I could muster. I raced in, eyes firmly on the whippersnapper’s feet. The ball was fast and furious. It swung in late and his stumps ricocheted off the back of the nets. The ball had torn through his defences.

Their were tears in my eyes. I had torn something in my bowling arm.

I obviously wasn’t the bowler I used to be twenty five years ago.

That was a year ago. In a couple of weeks we will do it again. I will dust off my cricket gear, check it for penicillin and head off to the nets.

Even if I’m not the cricketer I used to be twenty five years ago.

Category: Cricket, Nostalgia, Sports | 2 Comments on Only Cricket Fogies Will Understand
March 26

On the (Perth) Buses

A bus trip in Perth was a relatively pleasant experience. So much so in fact that I used to catch up on reading during the commute to and from work. Granted, a lot of the buses were long past their purring stage but none had reached the wheezy, backfiring phase of their lives either and they were reasonably comfortable. Numerous seats meant that even in a packed bus the number of seated people outnumbered the unfortunate few who boarded late. Furthermore the buses had windows that actually opened and closed which ensured warmth in winter and reasonably cool conditions in summer.

On many occasions a bus trip came with a free entertainment package: a young lad engaged in an escalating argument with his invisible friend; a gentleman furiously castigating the contents of his key ring; a mute young man blatantly attempting to peek up every skirt in his vicinity. All of this and the ride and you would still have change from two dollars.

Perth’s public transport system was working reasonably well. So, of course, the management at the department of transport decided that it was time for a change The result is the following list of changes for our comfort and convenience:

1. The old buses allowed passengers to open its windows; this was a terrible oversight. Why, the blighters could poke various parts of themselves through the opening or launch various items at other vehicles. Can’t have that, of course. Litigation, you know. The new buses have large, permanently shut windows that let in a lot of light. And the summer heat. A lot of heat. A sauna emulating, energy sapping, oven full of heat.

2. The old buses had a ventilation system that relied on breezes blowing through its interior. The new buses have climate control. At the touch of a button on the driver’s control panel, cool air flows through the bus’ vents and caresses the passengers. Except it doesn’t work. Either that or the average driver is a devotee of the Marquis de Sade. Or likes the smell of sweat.

3. Did I mention the heat?

4. The old buses had unattractive interiors with unimaginative, regimented rows of seats. No style at all. The new buses are full of style. True, some rows remain but several seats now face each other across the aisle. The layout means there are far fewer seats so a packed bus sees more people standing than sitting. To be fair I must say that the front of the bus is friendly to people in wheelchairs and that friendliness also allows for a ramp that extends onto the footpath as needed.

5. I did mention the heat, didn’t I?

6. The in-bus entertainment is no more. They have been replaced by loud musical interludes courtesy of mobile phones and MP3 players. The mobile phones allow for a constant barrage of soap operas which other passengers can’t turn off or down: Ginny broke up with her boyfriend because he was sleeping with Trish; Bob knew he had a really great time last night because he couldn’t remember it; Betty is a hag. I have never liked soap operas and I like the mobile phone equivalent even less.

7. Are you sure I mentioned the heat?

A bus trip in Perth is a relatively hellish experience. There’s a lot of heat.

Category: Curmudgeon, Travel | LEAVE A COMMENT
March 22

What Year Is It Again? Which Country?

If people equate freedom of speech with watching child pornography, then the Rudd Labor Government is going to disagree.

Senator Stephen Conroy, the Minister for Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy, 2007

 

Since when is arguing for freedom of speech automatically equivalent to support for child pornography? “Won’t you think of the children” arguments have a long history.

 

The state must declare the child to be the most precious treasure of the people. As long as the government is perceived as working for the benefit of the children, the people will happily endure almost any curtailment of liberty and almost any deprivation.

Adolf Hitler, Fuhrer, Mein Kampf, 1943

 

Just saying.

Category: Censorship | 2 Comments on What Year Is It Again? Which Country?
March 21

They Don’t Want Me Looking At Great Tits

I went looking for tits and boobies on the Internet today. No, not those tits and boobies – I was actually looking for the Greater Tit and the Booby Bird. “Why?” I hear you asking (unless, of course, you are a bird watcher). I’m glad you asked. It was prompted by the Australian Labor Party and their efforts to protect the children by telling me what I can and cannot look at in the privacy of my own home. To this end they eventually want all ISPs in Australia to implement the Labor Party’s Great Internet Filter.

As with most attempts at censorship the filter was supposed to target sites depicting children engaged in acts that are the purview of adults (forgive the obtuse wording – no sense in having my blog show up on a search for questionable sites). I’m sure that the majority of us are appalled by the existence of such material and wouldn’t oppose the eradication of sites catering to said material. Unfortunately, filtering the sites won’t make them go away. Such material is illegal everywhere in the world which means that one would be a moron of the highest magnitude to create a public web presence advertising these illegal activities. Surely those involved in such criminal pursuits would have their own networks, both electronic and physical, and these networks will continue in spite of the filters.

“We’ll protect the children” became “we’ll protect everyone” as the Internet Filter broadened its scope. There are now two lists. According to Stephen Conroy, the Communications Minister and architect of the filter, there is a level one, or “child safe”, list and a level two, or “unwanted content”, list. The nasty material – including the aforementioned illegal content as well as material depicting people and other animals knowing each other in a biblical sense, etc — will be on the level one list list while legal “art lover’s” material will be on the level two list. Conroy says that regular perverts like me can call our ISPs and tell them we want to opt out of the level two list.

So far this seems to be reasonable. We don’t want the universally reviled content and we can choose to view legal content that other people may not want. But what happens when the illegal sites change their URLs? What about new illegal sites that are bound to pop up in the future? The filter lists require constant updating. We all know that the government isn’t going to absorb the cost; neither are the ISPs. That leaves you and me, buddy. My already expensive internet bill is only going to dig deeper into my wallet. There are people in the ISP industry who claim that we will experience a drastic slow down in Internet access due to the filters. If this is true then not only will I pay more for my Internet access but I will receive a lot less for the privilege and I will receive it very slowly.

The above issues, large as they are, cannot compare to the biggest issue of all. Who decides what ends up on the absolute list? Both lists are, obviously, secret so we have no way of knowing what they contain. The Australian Communications and Media Authority (ACMA), are in essence the watchmen of the lists so it is apt to apply the maxim “who watches the watchmen?” The Christian party, Family First, suggests that online gambling and hardcore pornography should be on the level one list. The latter in particular means that I can indulge in sexual activity but I cannot look at anything depicting the same thing on the Internet. In fact I can watch other people making the sign of the double backed beast or buy books and movies explicitly depicting the same (provided the movies come from Darwin or Canberra) but I cannot look at it on the Internet.

Even more serious than the curtailing of my “art” appreciation, however, is the possibility that other topics can suddenly become lumped with the nastier items. Family First Senator Steve Fielding doesn’t like evolution or atheists or agnostics? Let’s add them to the level one list. Buddhists? Muslims? Pagans who dance naked under the full moon? On the level one list, they go. The government needs Fielding’s vote in other areas (such as the alcopops bill) so they are going to make concessions to his filtering requirements. (Interestingly Fielding decided to vote against the alcopops bill thus showing us that he obviously likes a tipple but hates “art”.)

A recently leaked copy of the level one list highlights the danger of the unwatched watchmen. The list contains the nasty items, as expected, but also contains several legitimate items such as the URLs of a dental surgery and a betting site. I wouldn’t normally give a second thought to publishing the link to a dentist’s web site. The problem is that ACMA can fine me 11,000AUD per day for publishing a link to any site on their lists.

“That will be $11,000 dollars.” says the ACMA representative giving me a look of disgust.

“What for?”

“You linked to this site and it is a forbidden site.”

“I didn’t know it was forbidden. It’s the site of a really good dentist. Why can’t I link to the site?”

“Because it is forbidden.”

“But I didn’t know that. How am I supposed to know that?”

“It is on the list.”

“I don’t have the list. Let me have a look.”

“You cannot! It is a secret list.”

“But then how do I know what sites I can’t visit.”

“They are on the list.”

“But I don’t have the list!!!”

“Only we have the list. It is secret.”

So that’s why I went looking for tits and boobies. Because I can, right now. If the filters become law I might have to call my ISP to tell them that I want to look at a Great Tit (which may well cause them to titter or ask me if I was referring to that boob, Conroy or Fielding, the great tit). This country I have loved so much may well become as draconian as China and it’s ilk. And that is a depressing, frightening thought. All of us, including lovers of ornithology, could be in for a rude shock.

And heaven help the feline fanciers if they went looking for pictures of pussies.

Category: Censorship, Curmudgeon | 6 Comments on They Don’t Want Me Looking At Great Tits
March 14

Is That a Phoenix Head Poking Out Of the Ashes?

People say that you will know when the time is ripe for retirement. It is a truism that several Australian cricket greats trotted out over the last year or so. Damien Martyn, Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath and Justin Langer departed en masse after the 2006-2007 Ashes series. Adam Gilchrist followed shortly thereafter and Matthew Hayden left in the middle of the Australian summer. Australia’s cricket juggernaut had suddenly become weaker, smaller, beatable. And beaten they were.

The summer of 2008-2009 was bleak for Australian cricket fans. For the first time in sixteen years Australia tasted a series defeat at home. South Africa, ranked second, were challenging and overhauling Australia’s top spot. All they had to do was make it a clean sweep by winning the third and final test match in Sydney. Somehow Ricky Ponting managed to get a gutsy performance out of his new look young team and South Africa had to wait until the return joust on their home turf.

But this young and raw Australia went to South Africa, saw and conquered.

To an Australian cricket fan this represents the perfect tonic to the ills of the Australian summer. We have won the first two tests and, therefore, the series. The cricket has been brilliant and we have uncovered some promising talent. We have one more test to play followed by some matches in the shorter form of the game before we can look towards England and the Ashes. If we continue to play the way we have in South Africa and England continues their dire form from the West Indies tour then the urn will remain in Australia.

The Australian phoenix may well be on the rise.

Category: Cricket, Sports | LEAVE A COMMENT
March 7

Watching the Watchmen

If you haven’t read Watchmen, the graphic novel, do yourself a favour: head on to your local library and borrow it. Game Guru did just that several months ago and he entreated me to read it. I’m glad I did. The story by Alan Moore blended beautifully with Dave Gibbons’ art work and John Higgins’ colouring. It is a truly breathtaking work. We loved it so much that Game Guru bought a copy.

Shortly after I finished reading the novel Game Guru informed me that a movie adaptation was in the works. Since then we have awaited the release date with a mixture of eagerness and trepidation – comic book adaptations have fallen in the gamut ranging from excellent to downright dire. I am glad to say that, for the Game Guru and me, Watchmen, the movie, falls well and truly on the excellent end of the scale.

The movie is the most faithful adaptation of a novel, graphic or otherwise, I have ever seen. There are cuts but these don’t take anything away from the narrative. In fact I would argue that the narrative is actually enhanced by the cuts. The graphic novel really comes to life on the screen with a tightened story and gorgeous visuals. Even the actors looked like Gibbons’ drawings.

Watchmen’s cast is not well known, at least to me,  which enhances the experience. They are uniformly excellent but Malin Akerman as Laurie Jupiter (Silk Spectre II) , Patrick Wilson as Dan Dreiberg (Nite Owl II), Jackie Earl Haley as Walter Kovacs (Rorschach) and Billy Crudup as Jon Osterman (Dr. Manhattan) are standouts. Malin Akerman is particularly delightful, gentlemen (and ladies of such persuasion). Billy Crudup’s voice wasn’t replaced by a robotic one so Dr. Manhattan has a soothing yet detached quality. I wonder, however, if another part of Crudup was digitally enhanced beyond a change of colour. It is large and blue and that’s all I’m saying.

Game Guru and I are still buzzing from the experience. The graphic novel is a proud part of our book library and the Blu-Ray release will become a proud part of our movie collection. Four thumbs up from us.

Category: Movies | LEAVE A COMMENT
March 6

Astronomy For the Kids

Our boys have been home schooled for the last couple of years. The bulk of the teaching duties over those years have fallen on the the Librarian’s shoulders because I work full time. I have provided the occasional pearls of wisdom but I wanted to provide more even if the Game Guru’s eyes glaze over at the prospect. With that in mind I asked the Librarian to organize an astronomy night which she did a few weeks ago.

Several people in the Librarian’s home schooling network professed interest but as the night in question – tonight – approached it became obvious that it was going to be a much smaller group. This turned out to be a good thing because the children were very young.

The kids were initially excited about the telescope, an 8” reflector on a Dobsonian mount, but quickly became more interested in chasing each other around the park. Only Master Builder who, at ten years old, was the oldest child remained interested in the sky. Unfortunately Saturn rose relatively late so the kids looked at the Moon first. After the awe of seeing the craters and “seas” on the Moon everything else was an anticlimax. They even claimed that Saturn, with its edge on rings, was just a dot even though it appears as a small disk in a telescope.

The adults were more enthusiastic. They kept coming back for repeated views and we all enjoyed talking about our experiences with home schooling.

The Librarian and I promised the group that we would set up a few more sessions during the year. Ideally this will be during winter when the sky darkens at an earlier hour and the atmosphere is clearer. Looking forward to it.

Category: Astronomy, Science | LEAVE A COMMENT
March 4

Cricketers Under Fire

Australian cricketers have been criticized many times for pulling out of tours due to security concerns. I have always defended their decisions based on the simple observation that cricket is only a game – risking several lives for a game would be insane. My arguments were scorned by expats from Sri Lank, India and Pakistan. These expats repeated the oft heard claim that terrorists would not target cricketers since these nations were (and are) cricket mad nations. Yesterday’s events showed that such claims were patently silly.

According to the news bulletins in Australia six Sri Lankan players were injured after terrorists attacked their bus on the way to the Gaddafi stadium. Only the brave actions of the bus driver prevented any serious injuries to the players and the umpires who were on a second bus. Six policeman escorting the players and officials weren’t so lucky. Neither were two civilians.

 

 

I hope that cricketers and officials around the world wake up and get their priorities straight. There are people out there who don’t care about lives. They will kill for their ideologies. Please realize that while a lot of us live and breathe cricket it is still just a game.

Category: Cricket, Sports | LEAVE A COMMENT
March 1

Finn, Washington and Gorillas. Oh my!

Mum graciously gave up her time to look after the kids last night while The Librarian and I went to see Tim Finn in Fremantle. We got to the Flybynight Musicians Club with plenty of time to spare which gave us seats in the second row and directly in front of the stage. There were a handful of young couples in the crowd surrounded by a sea of grey or greying hair. Young whippersnappers.

The downside of arriving so early was the long wait in a stifling hot room. Yes, even I found it too hot. I don’t think I’m being too cynical to suggest that the bar doing a roaring business at the back of the room wasn’t complaining about the heat. Just saying.

We sweated on, 8:30 finally rolled around and the opening act, Meg Washington, strode onto the stage. She is only twenty one and I wonder how she felt when she looked out at the sea of grey. It didn’t seem faze her. She was pretty impressive, like Missy Higgins but better. A love song for an interspecies couple was my favourite. Interspecies? Let me explain:

Several years ago there lived a woman who was quite taken with Bokito, a gorilla at the Rotterdam Zoo. So taken, in fact, that she visited him several days a week. Bokito soon came to think of her as either his mate or a stalker that annoyed the hell out of him. Either way he decided to do something about it. One day Bokito leaped across the moat surrounding his enclosure, said ‘ook’ to the visitors in the zoo restaurant and gave the love-struck woman a broken arm and several bites. The woman must have a strange sense of what constitutes a love bite because she continues to think of the gorilla as “her darling”. But enough about Bokito and his shenanigans. Let’s move on to the main event.

Tim Finn climbed onto the stage shortly after 9:30 and launched into a version of Chocolate Cake with Brett Adams accompanying on lead guitar. The lyrics were modified a little to include references to Barack Obama which provided a fun and funny start to the show. Initially somewhat subdued, Tim still managed to produce the magic we were hoping for and it only got better as the night wore on.

The fogey on stage treated us fogies – and the handful of whippersnappers — in the audience to songs from his latest album as well as classics from his Split Enz and Crowded House days. For me the highlight was an impromptu medley of hits with Tim joking that all his songs were written in the same tempo so that such a medley was possible.

The show ended all too soon even with two encores. Tim looked like he was in a hurry – maybe he had a plane to catch. The Librarian drove home and we basked in the after glow of a really good concert. Even our Aztec-blue Corolla purred happily as it got to hit freeway speeds.

Two thumbs up from us for Tim, Meg and the gorilla.

Category: Concerts, Music | LEAVE A COMMENT