A bus trip in Perth was a relatively pleasant experience. So much so in fact that I used to catch up on reading during the commute to and from work. Granted, a lot of the buses were long past their purring stage but none had reached the wheezy, backfiring phase of their lives either and they were reasonably comfortable. Numerous seats meant that even in a packed bus the number of seated people outnumbered the unfortunate few who boarded late. Furthermore the buses had windows that actually opened and closed which ensured warmth in winter and reasonably cool conditions in summer.

On many occasions a bus trip came with a free entertainment package: a young lad engaged in an escalating argument with his invisible friend; a gentleman furiously castigating the contents of his key ring; a mute young man blatantly attempting to peek up every skirt in his vicinity. All of this and the ride and you would still have change from two dollars.

Perth’s public transport system was working reasonably well. So, of course, the management at the department of transport decided that it was time for a change The result is the following list of changes for our comfort and convenience:

1. The old buses allowed passengers to open its windows; this was a terrible oversight. Why, the blighters could poke various parts of themselves through the opening or launch various items at other vehicles. Can’t have that, of course. Litigation, you know. The new buses have large, permanently shut windows that let in a lot of light. And the summer heat. A lot of heat. A sauna emulating, energy sapping, oven full of heat.

2. The old buses had a ventilation system that relied on breezes blowing through its interior. The new buses have climate control. At the touch of a button on the driver’s control panel, cool air flows through the bus’ vents and caresses the passengers. Except it doesn’t work. Either that or the average driver is a devotee of the Marquis de Sade. Or likes the smell of sweat.

3. Did I mention the heat?

4. The old buses had unattractive interiors with unimaginative, regimented rows of seats. No style at all. The new buses are full of style. True, some rows remain but several seats now face each other across the aisle. The layout means there are far fewer seats so a packed bus sees more people standing than sitting. To be fair I must say that the front of the bus is friendly to people in wheelchairs and that friendliness also allows for a ramp that extends onto the footpath as needed.

5. I did mention the heat, didn’t I?

6. The in-bus entertainment is no more. They have been replaced by loud musical interludes courtesy of mobile phones and MP3 players. The mobile phones allow for a constant barrage of soap operas which other passengers can’t turn off or down: Ginny broke up with her boyfriend because he was sleeping with Trish; Bob knew he had a really great time last night because he couldn’t remember it; Betty is a hag. I have never liked soap operas and I like the mobile phone equivalent even less.

7. Are you sure I mentioned the heat?

A bus trip in Perth is a relatively hellish experience. There’s a lot of heat.