September 27 2010

Correspondence That Matters

Would you look at the time? I just turned around for a minute and a whole year went by. Bloody cheek, if you ask me. And here’s me with so much to do and say and…

Start with the correspondence. So many letters to write, so little time:

 

Dear Checkout Chick.

I do understand that items run out occasionally but running out of bonus chocolates at your particular checkout does not excuse you from pretending there aren’t any in the whole store. This is especially true when the neighbouring checkout is struggling under the weight of said chocolate.

Yours in chocolaty dystopia,

Saucer

 

Dear Bus Driver.

The “ding” sound you hear at frequent intervals is a signal that at least one person would like to get off your vehicle. I’m sure this concept was covered in Bus Driving 101; perhaps you were absent that day. On a related note, when I hail you from the bus stop I am not indulging in a polite greeting.

Yours unstoppably,

Saucer

 

Dear Felis Catus.

Thank you for your operatic recital outside my window this morning. Unfortunately I am neither a fan of opera nor the musical stylings of your species. Please find another venue immediately.

Yours with teeth set on edge,

Saucer.

 

Dear Adipose Tissue.

Is it absolutely necessary that you store every excess calorie I consume? At the very least you could let go of said calorie as easily as you converted it. Come now, is it really fair that what takes you a second to do takes me half an hour to undo? Fathead.

Yours roundly.

Saucer

There! That should do it for now.

August 10 2009

Kitty Porn

Cats are amazing creatures. My cat, for example, spends her hours plotting my demise (her last attempt at tripping me almost succeeded). For all her tenacity, however, she hasn’t managed even a basic mastery over the computer keyboard. Keith Griffin’s cat, however, is an expert.

According to Griffin, his cat is not only a master of the keyboard but is also a connoisseur of the arts. Unfortunately, said cat is not a master of spelling or perhaps said cat made a typo while searching for “kitty porn”. It was an error that has landed poor, poor Keith Griffin in an ocean of hot water.

Poor, poor Griffin only wanted to download some music. While he was downloading his musical bits the nefarious cat jumped on the keyboard. Satisfied that his cat had everything under control, Griffin left the room. When he returned, however, he found “strange things” on his computer and a guilty looking cat staring at him.

Strange things? Over one thousand “strange things” had somehow made their way onto his computer. It was the cat that “dun” it, of course. While Griffin (poor, poor, Griffin) was out of the room, the cat had conducted his own virtual exploration. Keeping one watchful eye on the door, the cat used his favourite search engine and was surprised to find that the results didn’t depict a single kitty. Undeterred, the criminal cat browsed away. He apparently enjoyed what he saw because he saved over a thousand images for later perusal.

Of course the cat did it, Keith Griffin, of course he did. You would never have such “strange things” on your computer, now, would you? If only the constabulary would believe you. Poor, poor Griffin.

April 25 2009

Babushka Dreams

The faint light in the bathroom woke me. The Librarian was still asleep by my side so who was in the bathroom?The woman stepped out, her naked body silhouetted against the light. She was extremely tall and voluptuous. Her red eyes glowed and she growled hungrily. A wave of fear engulfed me but I remained calm. I knew that I was still asleep.

I forced myself awake.

There was a faint light in the bathroom. The Librarian was still asleep by my side. Was there someone in the bathroom? The woman stepped out, her naked body silhouetted against the light. She was a little taller than me and curvy. Her red eyes glowed with annoyance and she hissed hungrily. A wave of fear engulfed me but I remained calm. I knew that I was still asleep.

I forced myself awake.

It was dark in the bathroom. The Librarian was still asleep by my side. But something was wrong. There was someone else in the room. The woman was standing by the bed, leaning over me. She was small and lithe. Her red eyes glowed angrily and she snarled hungrily.  A wave of fear engulfed me but I remained calm. I knew that I was still asleep.

I forced myself awake.

It was dark in the room. The Librarian was still asleep by my side. The clock’s red LEDs glowed 5:00AM. She was small and furry and her claws were digging into my chest. Bloody cat was hungry.

(Yes, I know the nested dolls are called Matryoshka dolls but most people know them as Babushka dolls.)