A Letter To Senator Stephen Conroy

Dear Stephen (may I call you Stephen? You can call me Saucer.).

I for one welcome the measures you are about to take to protect us Australians from the horrors of the Internet. What do we know about our own good, after all, eh? It warms the cockles of my heart to think that you and Kevin (I hope Mr Rudd doesn’t mind me calling him Kevin; he can call me Saucer) are out there protecting us. I especially like the way you constantly state that your Internet filter will protect the children (nyuk! nyuk!) And the way you constantly expand the blacklist behind the filter is genius, Stephen. Pure genius!!

However, Steve (may I call you Steve? Call me Saucer) I must take exception with the limited expanse of your vision. Internet censorship is all well and good but there are so many things in this bad, old world that are just waiting to trip us up. Maybe you and Kev (may I call him Kev?) apply your splendid ideas to these other areas as well. I humbly offer the following great filters:

1. The Great Fire Filter

People cannot be trusted with fire, especially in Australia. I lit a fire once and it singed my eyebrows. I propose the introduction of a fire license which would allow only qualified personnel near fire starting equipment. People already call plumbers and electricians so why not a licensed fire starter? We can use your cunning “protect the children” gambit to ease the introduction of this filter.

2. The Great Pen and Pencil Filter

These horrible devices can easily put out an eye, you know? We must protect the people from the trauma caused by accidently poking oneself in the eye. I, for one, cannot write more than a handful of words without poking myself in the eye. Once again, the “protect the children” gambit will work wonders.

3. The Great Mirror Filter

Did you know that these devices are capable of showing you your own naked body? I almost fainted just the other day when I injudiciously glanced up at the bathroom mirror just before I stepped into the shower. Can you imagine the harm this will cause people? Let’s ban mirrors to protect the children?

4. the Great Book Filter

These horrors are almost as accessible as the Internet and contain equally vile content that could (nay, will) harm us Australians. I once glanced at a book that was chock full of violence and disgusting, filthy sex. One particular scene describes how a father offers his two virgin daughters to a mob that wants to rape his guests. These same daughters — having escaped their fate with the mob — then get their father drunk and have sex with him and conceive sons. What filth! Books like these should be banned. Besides they could cause paper cuts.

So there you have it, big SC (may I call you SC?) Something to think about, eh? I have many more ideas (The Great Brain Filter is in the formative stages; you’ll like that one) so let’s do lunch (but without those nasty knives and forks.)

Yours sincerely,

Flying Saucer Jones