Dear Woolworths,

I am writing to thank you for your thoughtful efforts at enhancing the customer’s experience at your places of purveyance. In particular:

– thank you for leaving ladders, palettes and other miscellaneous paraphernalia in your aisles. The ladders are wonderful diversions for children and the resulting heart palpitations experienced by their parents help to burn calories. The customers burn even more calories as they push said ladders, palettes and miscellaneous paraphernalia out of the way so that they can reach the products behind them.

– thank you for the complimentary lessons in dance so frequently provided by your staff. I particularly appreciate the two-step as they barge in front of me. The lack of niceties such as “pardon me” are a bonus lesson in contemporary manners.

– thank you for filling the refrigerators past the line that is clearly labelled “do not fill past this line.” I love my weekly round of Russian roulette with botulism and other assorted denizens of the microbial world. I also enjoy the sight of the occasional yoghurt in progress that was once a carton of milk.

– thank you for only opening two or three registers during rush hour. The resulting queues allow customers to get acquainted and form lifelong friendships. Might I humbly suggest that you provide marriage celebrants, midwives and funeral directors for the longer waits.

– thank you for playing the Woolworths jingle every ten or so minutes. We are already in your establishment so advertising yourself to us constantly is a must. I do think, however, that you missed the mark a little in not providing a selection of tracks for the benefit of the queues I mentioned above: the conga springs to mind.

Yours sincerely.

Flying Saucer Jones

“No pressure,” said the car salesman, his teeth gleaming in the sun. “I don’t like putting pressure on people.”

The dictionary salesman use is obviously quite different from the one the rest of us suckers people read. There was sweating and gnashing of teeth and he was going to fight to get us the deal we wanted. Of course he was, wink, wink. So off he went to see the manager.

Ah but the manager. (Sigh) The manager just wouldn’t budge. (Sigh) The salesman was crestfallen. His sadness looked suspiciously like a surpressed snigger. Ah, but wait! He was sure that he could get a smaller discount. So off he went again in pursuit of his manager.

He returned shaking his head. Oh, how he had tried. But the manager (gnashing of teeth), the manager was not going to move on this.

To be fair, it was a good enough deal for us. We just don’t have the haggling gene and traipsing around car yards to dance with the various salesdevilsmen is a a truly bleak prospect. So we accepted the deal.

Now it’s on to the eleventh circle of hell. We have to discuss a car loan with the bank.

Basil Fawlty was funny partly because his type of customer service was relatively rare. It isn’t quite so funny when there are Fawltys everywhere you look. Poor customer service happens so frequently now that I’m sure the customer is considered to be a nuisance every day not just during the Christmas season. Let’s take a look at some examples, shall we?

1. A member of the Big W staff roughly pushed his way in front of The Librarian as she perused items on a shelf. Words along the line of “excuse me” were not forthcoming. Glares (in stereo, no less) had no effect on this young barbarian. I had an almost overwhelming urge to store a toy rocket in a place that would cause the young twit extreme discomfort.

2. Errors made by staff members apparently don’t require apologies anymore. It is, in fact, now a faux pas for the customer to point out said errors. Don’t worry. The staff member will usually make an indignant noise to point out your errant behaviour.

3. It’s steaming hot outside and the shopping centre provides a cool haven for the parched customer. K-Mart, however, has decided to provide a complimentary sauna service for their staff and customers. I’m only guessing here but I suspect K-Mart’s management are probably enjoying a more arctic influenced environment.

4. It’s a mad rush. People are sweaty, irritated, hungry, thirsty, in dire need of a toilet break, you name it; they just want to pay and get on with the day. There are 21 cash registers so they should be on their way in no time and they would if 21 cashiers sat behind those machines. But no! Managment has decided that 4 cashiers should be more than adequate. I’m looking at you Target.

And so on, and so on.

There are three more shopping days until Christmas so The Librarian and I will be out there making nuisances of ourselves. Do join us.