I have just returned from a Web sojourn to Religious Tolerance which has an excellent section devoted to “end of world” predictions. I am happy to report that we can throw away all our bills and IOUs because none of us will be alive on February 14. To be precise we are all going to die on the 13th day of February at 23:31:30 UTC. There are two wackos “seers” who make this prediction based on the bible, monarch butterflies and Unix time, among others, so it must be true. I will enter this event in my electronic calendar with a reminder set for 23:00:00 UTC so that I can get a good seat for the arrival of the horsemen.

But February 14 will arrive (the horsemen came but were convinced to postpone the Armageddon gig due to prayers, don’t you know) and we will scramble to pay our bills. But don’t fret. According to an “astronomer” at Mount Wilson Observatory, the Oort Cloud is playing host to a small star with a huge “me” complex. According to the kook “astronomer”, the resulting stampede of comets will trample Earth underfoot on August 29. Another one for my calendar.

August 30 will arrive, of course. But fear not because there’s always 2010, 2011 and the big one in 2012. Can’t wait.