I Don’t Like Cricket. I Love It.

In a couple of months the new look Aussies will land on English soil to defend an urn full of ashes. I can’t say I’m full of optimism for our chances but I’m looking forward to a great series. In anticipation of the event and in an attempt to fire a few salvos in the battle for the Ashes – and because I have run into a rather large block that strike fear into writers of all persuasions — I present to you some cricket related humour including some that are firmly at the expense of the English cricket team (sorry Sy and others, including relatives – I can still stay with you when I visit, right?)

Let’s begin with an explanation of the laws of cricket for those of you who aren’t clear about the game:

 

There are two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each player that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes in and the next player goes in until he’s out. When they are all out the side that’s out comes in and the side that was in goes out and tries to get those that are now in, out. Sometimes there are players who are still in and not out.

There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and out twice, including the not outs, that’s the end of the game.

 

Got that? Good. Now we can go on to some jokes I found floating around the Web.

 

Q: What is the height of optimism?

A: An English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q: What’s the English version of a hat trick?

A: Three runs in three balls.

Q: What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?

A: A bowler.

 

Sometimes the best humour comes from the commentary box. Here are some examples:

 

Richie Benaud: He’s usually a good puller but he couldn’t get it up that time.

Richie Benaud (referring to a streaker): A slight interruption there for athletics.

Brian Johnston: Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.

Brian Johnston: The bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey.

Trevor Bailey: On the first day, Logie decided to chance his arm and it came off.

Steve Waugh (in response to “what’s your favourite animal”): Merv Hughes

Jim Maxwell: The sight of Bright holds no fright for Wright (to which someone riposted “that’s right”)

Tony Greig: Marshall’s bowling with his head.

 

And finally a definition courtesy of the Cricket Jokes site.

 

COMMENTATOR

He’s venerable.His eyesight is not as good as it was in 1938 but it’s remarkable how he can still pick an inswinger or an outswinger from 200 metres. What’s going on in the centre can be a wretched inconvenience when he’s just recalling that marvellous incident on the fourth day of the Fifth Test in 1948. He is superb at describing seagulls and most graceful at 5pm when he refers to the long shadows moving across the ground.At 6pm during the summing up he can usually cause a shock by actually referring to the days play.