Dear Woolworths,

I am writing to thank you for your thoughtful efforts at enhancing the customer’s experience at your places of purveyance. In particular:

– thank you for leaving ladders, palettes and other miscellaneous paraphernalia in your aisles. The ladders are wonderful diversions for children and the resulting heart palpitations experienced by their parents help to burn calories. The customers burn even more calories as they push said ladders, palettes and miscellaneous paraphernalia out of the way so that they can reach the products behind them.

– thank you for the complimentary lessons in dance so frequently provided by your staff. I particularly appreciate the two-step as they barge in front of me. The lack of niceties such as “pardon me” are a bonus lesson in contemporary manners.

– thank you for filling the refrigerators past the line that is clearly labelled “do not fill past this line.” I love my weekly round of Russian roulette with botulism and other assorted denizens of the microbial world. I also enjoy the sight of the occasional yoghurt in progress that was once a carton of milk.

– thank you for only opening two or three registers during rush hour. The resulting queues allow customers to get acquainted and form lifelong friendships. Might I humbly suggest that you provide marriage celebrants, midwives and funeral directors for the longer waits.

– thank you for playing the Woolworths jingle every ten or so minutes. We are already in your establishment so advertising yourself to us constantly is a must. I do think, however, that you missed the mark a little in not providing a selection of tracks for the benefit of the queues I mentioned above: the conga springs to mind.

Yours sincerely.

Flying Saucer Jones